MY, OH MY . . TIME (inevitably) FLIES!!

Time has truly flown . . my little world continues to revolve - and evolve - in Port Angeles, Washington State, U.S.A. It's been a year of vast changes . . a few general day-to-day (what used to be) routines have radically changed (some to my despair) . . most of the changes have been much more external - a few, somewhat dramatic. Such is life. I embrace change, look forward to each day and anticipate that I'll never tire of "the mundane" life in a small town on Washington's spectacularly beautiful Olympic Peninsula.

My last post heralded the beginning of a new journey . . my bariatric journey continues - unabated. Each day brings new experiences, updated aspirations and "educational" opportunities galore! My days have morphed into one humongus la-bore-uh-tory of life. I'm grateful.

My healthier life continues to move forward - some days move faster than others. My "bariatric honeymoon" is SO over;  let the challenge(s) begin. For the first year or so (for most of us), the weight literally, FALLS off. There is little we can do to keep that from happening. Inevitably, those days come to an end and the REAL journey - of a lifetime - begins. Those of us who've had Roux-en-Y Gastric (R-n-Y) Bypass (the common descriptor for this one is "the full-meal deal" of bariatric surgeries - it's the most invasive and is NOT reversible), find that, between twelve and eighteen months post-surgery, the tiny pouch that was created during surgery *softens* . . meaning that it can also s.t.r.e.t.c.h.! For some, the pouch stretches to the point - or beyond - that the natural stomach had been prior to surgery. "All of a sudden" . . you can GAIN weight - at the drop of a hat! My "honeymoon" phase was relatively painless . . the weight did drop off quickly - most of the loss was effortless. Food didn't look or smell as good as it once had and (the few times hunger entered the fray) my *significantly* reduced-in-size "pouch" could only hold a few ounces (two, or so,ounces) at a time. I lost a great deal of weight in a relatively short period of time.

Reality has bitten! Food, once again, smells heavenly and looks divine! One of my neighbors loves to bake - PIES!! There oughtta be a law!! When the inside hallway is suffused with the aroma of a homemade raspberry/rhubarb pie (ooooh Lordy!) I shut / lock my door and head for the "outside" door.

My weight bounces - up and down. A great way to slow down the "acceleration" is via exercise - WALKING is what several of my docs have recommended. Well, it was good while it lasted - then,  I began falling. Last summer and early fall a medical condition called "dropfoot" reared it's ugly head - it caused me to fall without warning. Nine falls (in my mid-60's that's not a good thing!) within a few months - three of 'em resulting in injuries other than my "pride". As a result, I went through some pretty thorough medical testing - primarily cardiac (I was diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure almost twenty years ago) and numerous "uncomfy" nervous system tests. There were conflicting results . . my docs are still trying to sort it all out . . but, the suggestion, for the moment . . is to be very very careful with any kind of exercise. I continue to walk, three or four times a week (when at all possible) and make sure to avoid out-of-the-way/sparsely-populated areas.

All in all, I'm doing just fine. I'm actively working on my "it's okay to JUST SAY NO to food" perspective - if it's not okay choice for me and regardless of how good it looks/smells!  I'm also working EVEN HARDER than I worked on the weight loss part of the process . . on the daily JOURNALING aspect of my bariatric life.

For those of us who will, for the rest of our days, follow a food/meal plan necessary to attain our good health and wellness goals - here's the skinny. If, by making one change in our daily routine/habit, we could DOUBLE our WEIGHT LOSS - I think we need to give it some thought . . and, IT'S, basically, FREE and EASY. All we need is a notebook/pen or (better and easier) a computer. Again, here's the skinny . . HA!! Sometimes I crack myself up!! The facts, ma'am . . just the facts!! (most of y'all are way to young to remember the "original" Dragnet TV series . . hence the "facts" giggle).

Ahem . . here's the MAGIC around not only losing weight, but understanding our own personal habits/focus around weight gain/loss issues --> Numerous, well-respected, studies tell us that the simple act of KEEPING A FOOD DIARY can encourage us to eat fewer calories -- and lose weight. My food-journaling (which is supposed to happen DAILY (note to self --> D-A-I-L-Y, Jo!!! <--

My Fitness Pal, the on-line journal/tracker/blog/whatever - makes it SO easy to track my daily intake . . I have NO excuse (well, except for sheer laziness on my part). I have MFP on my computers and it's on my phone; I'd tattoo it on my forehead if I could make that work - those who know and love me agree that a finger string might be a bit less "dramatic"!!

Who knew that Reality's teeth were THAT :::sharp:::!!

It's hard to believe that Thanksgiving, 2013 is looming on the horizon . . it was the day after Thanksgiving, 2012 that I started down a path that has - literally - changed my life in more ways than I can even begin to count!

As many of us do, around the holidays, I feasted on Thanksgiving, 2012 . . I woke the following morning and - with considerable trepidation - stepped onto my fancy-dancy scale.  Let me tell you about my scale.  It's made by a French company called Withings . . it's a wireless/Wi-Fi-enabled scale that keeps me honest.   I bought it prior to making life-changing decisions about my weight and lifestyle . . I needed a tool that I couldn't "work around" - there is no altering numbers . . . no fudging . . trust me, reality can really bite!!

I am not - by any means - financially secure.  There is never EVER money left at the end of the month . . purchasing that scale (it was downright spendy) was something I considered an INVESTMENT in my future good health.  Bottom line,  I stepped onto the scale and my weight, Body Mass Index (BMI) and percentage of body fat were wirelessly transmitted to my computer.  The numbers could not be changed/tweaked/altered . . they were what they were - PERIOD.  As I said, reality bit - HARD!!

The day after Thanksgiving, 2012 - Friday, November 23rd - at sixtry-three years of age and 5 foot 2 inches tall - I'd, literally, hit *TILT* - my high-tech scale blithely recorded the highest body weight I'd registered in my entire life  . . 288 pounds.  Enough was enough.  I believed, with all of my heart, that my life - and my lifestyle - had to change if I wanted to live to see seventy.  My journey had begun.

I underwent Roux-en-Y Gastric Bypass surgery on January 15, 2013 . . an amazingly short time had elapsed between the realization that a change HAD to be made and the major surgery that has brought that change to fruition.  I no longer weigh on a daily basis . . my scale recorded my most recent weight (October 28, 2013) at 146 pounds.  It's necessary (when establishing a goal weight) to factor in the estimated weight of the loose skin that is part and parcel of bariatric surgery (younger folk tend to have a bit more elasticity in their skin and their loose skin isn't quite as dramatic/traumatic as it is for those of us in our "senior" years).  The weight of my loose skin is estimated at between ten and fifteen pounds - after factoring in the "flab" and subtracting an additional 12.5 pounds from my "scale" weight .. . I'm sitting at around 135 pounds.  I'm very aware that, given my age and my body type,  I'm considered to be underweight at this point in time (freakin' u-n-b-e-l-i-e-v-a-b-l-e!!) I'm working on increasing my calorie intake, I never miss my Bariatric Support Group meetings (they keep me centered and real) and I'll be meeting with a member of my bariatric medical team on November 12th.  All will be well..

The journey continues . . evolving, for me,  is a fascinating process.  Well, fascinating could well be an understatment .. there are times when it is absolutely surreal!  

It's 1 a.m. . . I'm weary.  I have more to share but it's time for sleep.  I'll pick this up again - soon.  G'night.

BEGINNING ANEW . . in the bariatric world.

On Tuesday morning, January 15, 2013, a huge part of my life came to an end - and, a new "life(style)" was born!  I was sixty-three years old (still am!), with two knees that were a stair step away from useless (that hasn't changed - yet) and co-morbidities numerous enough to guarantee that I would, most likely, never see my 75th birthday (severe hypertension, high cholesterol, obstructive sleep apnea).  After much serious contemplation - and with the overwhelming approval of my doctors - I decided to step away from my lifelong food addiction and move forward into the world of enforced addiction control.

Roux-en-Y gastric bypass isn't a guarantee that excess body weight will be lost . . however, it is a TOOL that makes significant weight loss possible - IF it is used as it's designed to be used.

January 14, 2013 - 288 pounds

Pretty radical, huh?  Well, hopefully, it will prove to be more effective and useful than radical!  There's a lot to be said - if you're a chronic over-eater - for a process that has built-in checks and balances.  It's all about choices . . if you chose to override the stoppers you'll experience the significantly uncomfortable consequences!  I'm not a risk-taker when it comes to gastrointestinal pay-backs .. my plan is to toe the line!

There was push-back from family and (fewer from) friends.  I understand the concerns and respect their rights to disagree with my decision;  nevertheless, bottom line -->  it was MY decision to make and (should there ever be negative consequences) the full responsibility lies with me.

I don't intend to post minute-by-minute updates;  suffice it to be said that I'm seeing weight loss each day; I'll post "stats"/photos from time to time.  In the interim, I'm following the plan and looking forward to positive changes in my health status (two hypertension meds have already been discontinued!), approval for knee replacements and a return to the physically active hobbies I love and have really really missed!

I'll leave you with one of my favorite lines of all time:  “For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again.” 
― Eric Roth, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button  (the underscore/italics are mine)   

INNOCENCE LOST: my heart aches

EYES . . my eyes were drawn to their eyes, as pictures of the children who survived last week's Sandy Hook Elementary School massacre were published.  

I saw "that" look - the dilated pupils and staring lackluster eyes of innocent children who have witnessed incomprehensible violence.  I know that look.  I recognized that look and I know that those children will, never again, be children. 

The audacity.   

What gives me the right to identify with children who have lived through the unspeakable . . . children who have survived the inconceivable - children who will struggle, for the rest of their lives, to find a level of normalcy after the world, as they knew it, ceased to exist.  What gives me the right?     

I was seven years old when I witnessed my birth mother's bloody, violent murder.  

Times have changed.  I'm grateful.  Back in my day there was no help available.  My mother died on Sunday afternoon;  my father was immediately taken to the Jail Ward of the Los Angeles County Hospital - where he died a few months later. Neighbors took us in until more permanent arrangements could be found.  The morning after, Monday, I  was sitting in my second grade classroom surrounded by school friends.  One of the boys brought,  for Show and Tell, the front page newspaper story with my father's photograph displayed front and center.  Immediately, and completely, ostracized - my school "friends" evaporated in the blink of a lackluster eye.  From that time forward,  I spent recesses and lunch times standing at the chain link fence that separated the kindergarten and "big kids" playgrounds .. my arm reaching through the fence so I could hold my little sister's hand.

The children who survived Sandy Hook will receive in-depth counseling, support and whatever else is needed for the most positive outcome possible.  It takes a lifetime - violence, at that level, is not something you "deal with" and move on.   God bless them, and those who work with them, on that long and difficult journey.

On a personal level, as a survivor, I am okay with me.  I'd traveled a long, difficult - and very lonely - road before understanding, and admitting, that I needed help.  I'm still adjusting to the intense level of *really* hard work that living with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) requires.  I've told my children that I'm sorry for - and regret - the "mom challenges" they lived with as they were growing up.  I've mended as many fences as I could and I'm at peace with those that couldn't be fixed . . I've given it my best.

So, my friends . . if you've noticed that I tend, at times, to be reclusive or if you've  wondered why I've chosen to live in "hidden away" basement apartments, or behind the electronic gates of a storage facility or out "in the middle of nowhere" ..  my reasons are valid ones and I'm very okay with those decisions.  If you've wondered why I don't watch television, why I often seek out quiet corners in a group setting or why I'm fiercely protective of the *safe space* my homes (virtual and electronic) represent .. there you have it.   

Those of you who see my quirks, and love me in spite of them, are beyond amazing.  I am blessed with kind, supportive, understanding and - such incredibly - accepting people who populate my small world!   I love you and I'm so grateful for your presence in my life. 

On a closing note:  I rarely cry . . another thing I'm working on changing (for the better).  For so many years I saw tears as a sign of weakness and I needed to be strong - for me and for those who depended on me.  Poor Wisp .. my little cat is not used to tears and she's distressed.  She has attached herself to me, like Gorilla Glue, all morning.  This hasn't been easy to type with a little cat climbing into my arms, with comforting purrs, every few minutes!   

And so it begins . . .

I used to blog . . a lot!  Live Journal was new and blogging was a great way to check-in with friends, family and anyone else who wished to peek in on my day-to-day existence.  Blogging eventually evolved into enjoying reading other's blogs more often than writing my own!  When daily blogging evolved into a "duty" rather than something I looked forward to doing, I found myself rarely checking-in.  It wasn't long before Twitter and Facebook arrived on the scene . . the exchanges were short, fast and furious . . then, (go figure!), I found myself missing luxury of taking my time, thinking about what it was I wanted to share and longing for the "good ol' blogging days" . . there's just no pleasing some people!!  I'm still in touch with a few LJ friends although I let my long-time subscription go a few months back;  I post to Facebook several time a week (I'm an avid Facebook Scrabble player) and the plan is to make no promises about daily blogs but to use this space for whatever feels right at the time.  How's that for a beginning!